Just thinking.....

What am I thinking? I'm thinking that I'm 30 years old, and this life has been a wierd one. It's had some serious ups, and man have there been some serious downs. I've met and become friends with some really amazing people, and I have met some major league turds. I try to put it all in perspective. I come from an interesting family that knows how to love deeply, and at the same time I learn more and more that those closest to you will always be the ones to hurt you the worst. But, I've learned that the only way we ever really know anyone is to view them, not in the light of what they do or don't do, but always in the light of what they suffer.

I'm getting married in two weeks. In Rome no less! It's a blessing. I'm ultra private about my relationship, and that's the way it should be.

I'm thinking that there are way too many people in the world who give even a fleeting thought to what anyone else thinks about them. My dear friend Joshua used to have a sticker on his mirror that read "God is my only audience." Think about that for a moment. What God thinks of you is all that matters. There are far too many people living in some keep up with the Jones mentality, spending money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people that they don't care about anyway. I want to know something. Who is the Jones family? And what makes them so special?

I'm thinking that not enough people are truthful with their own lives. We are scared out of our minds to be honest with ourselves, muchless any other human. Why? What are we hiding from? Better yet, what is it that we have to hide? I've had to make some really hard decisions in my life lately. They were decisions that I had to make, and they hurt. But, I had to make them in order to be honest with myself after trying to be honest with another.

I've learned that most people don't really care what you have to say. So, I'm learning to listen a whole lot more. I went back to school and graduated at the age of 29. In my opinion it was so much better than being a 22 year old with not much life experience under one's belt. I listened to what my much younger classmates would say and think that they have a long way to go before they ever understand what it was that just come out of their mouth.

I'm thinking that most people don't think about God much. Why is that? Why don't most people care about the one that created them? It's so strange to me. Most never think about the devil. I don't undertand that one either. Why don't people care to be aware of an enemy so vicious that he will do whatever it takes to warp, manipulate, and twist our minds.

I'm thinking that most Christians don't really have the guts to talk about Jesus, listen like Jesus, feel like Jesus, care like Jesus, and to live like Jesus. I'm thinking that most people who say they are Christians can't even tell you why they are. I'm thinking that most Christians can't even tell you what the Bible teaches on much of anything. I'm not saying that Christians have to be perfect because they aren't. Are Christians hypocrites? You bet they are. Just like every other person on the planet. I'm thinking that I'm tired of most preachers in most churches who preach weak sermons that will never challenge anyone, convict anyone, or ever change anyone's life. I'm thinking that most preachers don't have the backbone to bring it week in and weak out. Most preachers were never called to be preachers anyway!! I'm tired of church looking, sounding, smelling, tasting and feeling like the world. Someone call a spade a spade. I'm tired of of preachers not preaching like it was the last time they were ever going to get to the chance to stand in front of people and proclaim the most powerful message EVER.

I want my deepst desire to be Jesus. I want my deepest longing to be Jesus. I want the most cavernous part of my existence to scream out to Jesus. I want to live and love like Jesus. I want the mercy of Jesus to triumph over my judgment. I want Him. I just want Him. Will I ever be perfect? No. Will I ever be good enough? No. It's not about that anyway. I am a man who is crazy enough to believe that Jesus really was God and that He really did die for me to save me from hell because He loves me that much. I just want Jesus.